Sharp Objects

I had the absolute pleasure of reading my very first Gillian Flynn novel which fittingly happened to be her debut novel, Sharp Objects.  I actually really liked it.  It was raw, gritty, and had me saying ‘What in the actual fuck’ a couple of times.

Camille is a (slacker) journalist who has just been tasked with covering two murders that occurred in her hometown.  She begrudgingly goes home to get the scoop and while there has to deal with her insufferable mother as well as her demon half sister, Amma.

I thought I had the whodunit part figured out early but no.  This played as a movie the entire time I read it even replete with its own false ending!!!! Mrs. Flynn does an excellent job with the suspense and with keeping the readers interest.

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Internal Tug of War

This past quarter I finally snapped out of my denial laden life. I CHOSE THE WRONG MAJOR!!!!!!! Sure I have tons of options associated with my major but in the end, I should’ve gone with my heart and chosen Writing Studies for my major.

Thankfully, to receive my BA, it has only taken about a year. For 3 of the past 4 quarters, I’ve taken mostly creative writing type classes. Eco-poetry, literary fiction, creative nonfiction, popular fiction, a lit class here and there. I took one writing class last quarter but it was news writing. I volunteered for the school’s lit magazine. I’ve surrounded myself with mainly writing study majors. They’ve all been incredibly inspiring.

What was I thinking not following my heart? Not pursuing something I’ve wanted for the past 22 years?! I could’ve continued improving my skills.

One of my classmates was accepted into an MFA program. I’m extremely excited for her as well as a bit jealous. I could’ve done that too. I SHOULD’VE done that. Since January, I’ve been researching schools that have great MFA programs and learning about how graduate programs work. I had no idea they were THAT competitive until I realized that less than 15 students get accepted out of hundreds of applicants.

Wondering if I’m good enough is stopping me from seriously applying. Of course, I’ve missed the deadline for next school year so I have a couple more months to really figure it out.

The 11th Hour

It’s the last week of school. I don’t know what’s killing me more. The amount of homework I have to complete by tomorrow or the ADD that had a hand in my mad procrastinating skills.

Altogether I have:

-An 8-10 page essay on a topic of my choosing that I’m not actually confident about. I’m sure changing topics less than 24 hours before it’s due is a no go.
-Three take home quizzes based on the AP Style guide.
-Either a digital or interactive site or app that mass consumers could appreciate. Thankfully, it just has to be an idea, not an actual site or app. This assignment was actually due a couple weeks ago. I’ve had problems coming up with ideas.

I graduate in a week and a half. It’s a bit weird seeing as I still have summer classes before I receive my B.A. I’m not worried about passing those classes. I’m worried about not getting the financial aid I need. I definitely don’t have the money to pay for school and I’m so close to being finished, it’d be a shame not to.

A new development

“Lazy”, “You have so much potential and you’re not living up to it”, “You need to try harder.” These phrases I’ve heard most of my life from my parents. They were by no means demeaning parents, just every now and then I’d hear these phrases. Mainly in high school with math grades, applying to colleges or for scholarships. I began believing I was those things.

Throughout middle and high school, subjects I found boring just couldn’t hold my attention no matter how hard I tried. I ended up working on my stories and the characters within those stories in those classes. Then of course, I would end up super focused in classes I found more interesting like photography. I never thought twice about it. Everyone is like that. They lose focus on boring things, they pay attention to interesting things. Yet, I actually TRIED to pay attention in those boring classes but I just couldn’t.

A couple of years ago, I was given an assessment of about 50 questions. It was the Vanderbilt Assessment Scale for ADHD. My results showed that I had a high probability of having ADD. For some reason, the unofficial diagnosis made me depressed. Looking back on it now it seems silly but I believe the only reason I felt that way is because I wasn’t that educated on ADHD/ADD. I started doing the research. I especially like ADDitude Magazine, it’s been incredibly helpful.

A year ago, I mentioned to my Dr about my probability of ADD. I was also extremely depressed so we treated that first. A couple of weeks ago, I reminded the Dr about my potential ADD. She asked me questions. They were the same questions that were on the Vanderbilt Assessment. She prescribed me meds that I was afraid to fill at first. What if I was being paranoid? What if I didn’t actually have ADD and I really was just that lazy or unmotivated and disorganized??? I had also spent two days researching the meds she prescribed and read about what happens if someone who doesn’t have the disorder takes the meds.

I finally decided to fill the prescription. The first three days I took them, I was incredibly tired. I took this as a good sign. I do indeed have ADD. I read that if I was extremely hyper and acting like I was on speed, then that meant I didn’t actually have ADD.

I could tell the difference between being on the meds and not being on them. I was A LOT calmer. I could actually FOCUS on one thing versus multitasking. Unfortunately, I’m not able to tell when the meds have actually kicked in. I only notice when I’m trying to multitask like using my laptop in class or while watching tv. I tend to focus completely on my laptop.

This is the third week being on the medicine and past keeping me calm, I feel as though they’re not as effective as last week. I found my mind wandering in class the other day which didn’t happen last week. Right now I should be doing homework and I was working on it but again, my mind began to wander to this blog post and how I needed to get it out of my drafts and published to my site.

For now, I’m taking it day by day. I’m looking into other ways of being able to manage ADD. I also have to work on getting over the weird stigma that’s attached to ADD. I’ve only told a classmate and of course my fiance. My classmate has it too and I go to her for advice and she’s been extremely helpful and she has stated that I shouldn’t be ashamed about it.

I have however stopped believing I’m lazy.

My new project/challenge

I have been scouring over Pinterest and Google for fun projects/challenges.  I’m not incredibly artsy so I’m trying to stick to either writing or photo challenges.  I’m trying to reignite the creative spark that seems to have gone out when I wasn’t looking.

I was told earlier this week that it’s impressive of me to be able to throw a poem together the night before it’s due and still manage to get great feedback on it.  I’ll be the first to say that I’m a terrible poet.  But I’ve decided to make that my challenge.  I’m going to write a poem a day.  More specifically, a haiku a day.  For how long, who knows how long I’ll be able to keep this up but I have no choice but to try. And so my first crack at it is as follows:

Silly little boy
Making messes, applesauce
Crying out he’s done 

School vs Work

Today was a bittersweet day for me.

This past Spring I started going to one of the local universities. Long story short, I ended up dropping a class which put me below the satisfactory requirements resulting in the university putting a hold on this coming school years financial aid.

I sent in the mandatory paperwork to lift the hold and waited patiently the past three excruciating weeks for a decision.

Today, I received that decision. The hold was lifted and I can continue with my plan to finally quit my job of three years to focus on school full time.

I was excited! Like most people, I’m in a love/hate relationship with my job. I’ve dreamt of the day where I put my notice in so that I can move on to bigger and better things!

Then I began thinking and my inner critic questioned if it would all be worth it in the end. I know exactly what I plan on majoring in but past graduating and obtaining that bachelor’s degree, I have no idea what I want to do after school.

The pay at my job is crummy but it pays most of my bills. I’m barely scraping by to begin with. Will I be able to stretch each quarters post tuition aid?

All I can do is think about my response to this picture.

image

“Take risks”

And I know that quitting my job to focus on school is a huge risk especially since I have a family to take care of but I figure I’ll be okay.

Awake

I’m in bed waiting for sleep to come back and claim me. I was tired only an hour ago but of course, as soon as my head met the pillow, my body the bed, my eyes popped open and the brain started thinking away…

I decided to make some use of this temporary insomnia. I finally signed up for NaNoWriMo. I told myself every year for the last 5 that I would join. This year is finally that year. Thankfully it’s still a couple months away seeing as I don’t have any ideas at the moment. I’m sure more nights of elusive sleep are in the future I’ll be able to take advantage of.