“Lazy”, “You have so much potential and you’re not living up to it”, “You need to try harder.” These phrases I’ve heard most of my life from my parents. They were by no means demeaning parents, just every now and then I’d hear these phrases. Mainly in high school with math grades, applying to colleges or for scholarships. I began believing I was those things.
Throughout middle and high school, subjects I found boring just couldn’t hold my attention no matter how hard I tried. I ended up working on my stories and the characters within those stories in those classes. Then of course, I would end up super focused in classes I found more interesting like photography. I never thought twice about it. Everyone is like that. They lose focus on boring things, they pay attention to interesting things. Yet, I actually TRIED to pay attention in those boring classes but I just couldn’t.
A couple of years ago, I was given an assessment of about 50 questions. It was the Vanderbilt Assessment Scale for ADHD. My results showed that I had a high probability of having ADD. For some reason, the unofficial diagnosis made me depressed. Looking back on it now it seems silly but I believe the only reason I felt that way is because I wasn’t that educated on ADHD/ADD. I started doing the research. I especially like ADDitude Magazine, it’s been incredibly helpful.
A year ago, I mentioned to my Dr about my probability of ADD. I was also extremely depressed so we treated that first. A couple of weeks ago, I reminded the Dr about my potential ADD. She asked me questions. They were the same questions that were on the Vanderbilt Assessment. She prescribed me meds that I was afraid to fill at first. What if I was being paranoid? What if I didn’t actually have ADD and I really was just that lazy or unmotivated and disorganized??? I had also spent two days researching the meds she prescribed and read about what happens if someone who doesn’t have the disorder takes the meds.
I finally decided to fill the prescription. The first three days I took them, I was incredibly tired. I took this as a good sign. I do indeed have ADD. I read that if I was extremely hyper and acting like I was on speed, then that meant I didn’t actually have ADD.
I could tell the difference between being on the meds and not being on them. I was A LOT calmer. I could actually FOCUS on one thing versus multitasking. Unfortunately, I’m not able to tell when the meds have actually kicked in. I only notice when I’m trying to multitask like using my laptop in class or while watching tv. I tend to focus completely on my laptop.
This is the third week being on the medicine and past keeping me calm, I feel as though they’re not as effective as last week. I found my mind wandering in class the other day which didn’t happen last week. Right now I should be doing homework and I was working on it but again, my mind began to wander to this blog post and how I needed to get it out of my drafts and published to my site.
For now, I’m taking it day by day. I’m looking into other ways of being able to manage ADD. I also have to work on getting over the weird stigma that’s attached to ADD. I’ve only told a classmate and of course my fiance. My classmate has it too and I go to her for advice and she’s been extremely helpful and she has stated that I shouldn’t be ashamed about it.
I have however stopped believing I’m lazy.